Moth to the Flame

Moth to the Flame by Tiffany Ward

Sometimes, when I look at my children directly in the eyes and we hold eye contact, I am so enamored I can’t look away from them. Like a moth to a flame, I’m drawn to what I love even if it’s to my own detriment. The feelings that take over is a force so strong that it reminds me of the reality of two magnets coming together with effort, strong connection, and momentum. What a powerful picture of a purposeful design indicative of an originator. A creator so focused and methodical in everything made. In our humanity we notice our daily needs such as eating, sleeping, or playing. Children can be so quick to say when they are hungry or when things are too loud. But what about us as adults? Some of us have become skilled at ignoring ourselves and the health of noticing and meeting needs. How are we expressing our own human needs? Not just the daily ones, but our deeper needs, on a soul level? How do we get those needs met? As I write, I find myself exploring; life’s endless hurry, how people move to their own preferred retreat because life can be too painful, and my desire to work together to embrace the gift God has given to us through silence and solitude. 

Life is too often hurried and moving at a frenetic pace. Life is also painful at times. Many of us have experienced some kind of loss in our own lifetime. We might respond to pain by facing it, but most respond with avoidance. Looking to the created things to make us feel better or to numb our pain. Leaning into the busy culture, to producing, and to achieving have all been part of the success stories I’ve heard as a theme or thread of a normal American life. Life is fast and it’s affecting all of us just like the moth to the flame that ends in despair. I was recently sitting by our fire-pit on our back patio for about an hour one evening enjoying the sunset. As the darkness grew around me, I noticed the flames of the fire flickering back and forth dancing before my eyes. Many moths flew into these burning embers and would eventually parish from the flames. It seemed they were so fixated on the flame they didn’t even realize it was leading to their demise. What I have since learned is moths get confused by the light. Due to transverse orientation, moths can be guided by lights that are further away like the moon and the stars. The light is so distant that it helps them fly straight. If a light like a flame or porch light is near, they get confused and spiral out towards it. Understanding more about a moth makes me question how my own focus is affected wrongly. Where is your focus? Are you unknowingly flying toward a flame that will consume you? As I’ve grown from childhood to now adulthood, I’ve noticed the theme around me has changed in my lifetime. We are not just busy and hurried. People have also become consumers of what success and hard work have made and we want more. We feel entitled to more. On top of wanting more, in our rise of demands we also want more now. Instant gratification is worshipped in our society. We can talk more about how impatience plays a role in instant gratification another time. For now, we have moved from yearning, dreaming, and working hard to an insatiable world of gluttony and consumerism with access to endless streams of technology. Yet, we wonder why we are left feeling so fragmented in our thinking, feeling unsatisfied and so unfulfilled in our time here in this world. We satiate and then we still hunger. We still thirst. We are spiraling out.

I admit, I think it’s human nature to look for the path of least resistance. The fastest and easiest route when a need arises, is to meet it. We eat when we are hungry, and drink when we are thirsty, physically speaking this is part of our survival. Emotionally and mentally we have things arise that we might define as a need that could actually just be coming from a desire in us. We might choose to follow the thought or feeling  because it seems good, or we might avoid it if it’s too painful. I don’t deny that’s been a trend in my own life. Neuroscientists have research to prove how our own brain crafts deep grooves in the brain tissue from thoughts traveling down a familiar path. These repeated thoughts develop a refined groove which makes it easy for neurons to travel through. This path is defined by our own tendencies and pursuit of the path with the least resistance. It’s part of how we survive and conserve energy for what we want to really spend it on. The old adage that you bring about what you think about could be applicable here. We have become impatient consumers who are driven by fears in our past, in our now, and in our future. With that in mind, we also have the world we live in that is relative to us and what we enjoy. We have the virtual world which is on a whole other level and we have all been invited into becoming even more connected through these technological advances. It’s not my desire to villainize technology or social media sites, but rather a desire for us to understand how these things are influencing and attracting us.

Everyone has a list whether written or unwritten. Orderly or chaotically circulating in and out of your thoughts as they come and go. The list you have that’s unique to you and your lifestyle, it demands attention.You know that list? Yeah, yours! Your list of to-dos you had in the household or maybe its just normal self-care items. Somehow, all of that just turned into a task that feels too hard. When things feel too hard in real life you can escape right into your virtual world, with whatever glowing rectangle box you would like. Whatever avenue that looks like for you, maybe its the Bible app, video chatting with a faithful friend, or text messages. Cool. Maybe, its doom scrolling, checking your stocks, or your latest business plan to see how things are unfolding for you, like gaining an online following. Possibly, it’s online shopping and tick-tock watching. Facebook reels can suck your soul right on in and before you know it, fifteen minutes turned into two hours gone. Just to pull at this proverbial thread a little further, what pain are you experiencing and trying to avoid? You can check where you retreat by looking at the screen time feature on your phone and studying the apps you frequent. You can see trends in what time of the day you use your phone the most. You can push pause on your consumerism and worship of comfort in your retreat, and look at your desire to be truly satisfied. Could you stop and feel what pain in life, or specifically your own life, you are avoiding? Maybe, for the first time you could see what we are all facing. Whatever unwanted feeling, task, or thought, it can be put off by whatever platform, at whatever time, and it’s all your choice. You get my point. Time is saying tick-tock and it’s ticking on. The cultural themes in our society may have changed in my lifetime but one thing is for sure. Life is still too busy, and moving faster than any one of us can keep up with. 

If reading this now troubles you and creates some tension, that was the goal. I hope it does. I want you to see where you might be spiraling out like the moth. Moving toward the wrong light. I have an awareness for hurry and performance in my own life and how it has shaped me. Many people have become accepting of both the healthy and unhealthy spaces we abide in. In relation to food, activities, and even in time spent with other people. Each of us coping with life in our own ways in an attempt to feel better. One thing in common in these spaces, healthy or otherwise, you can feel good or even better than good, but then it’s only temporarily. Then the night comes, then the morning and we wake up, and we are left with the cyclical rhythms of our life that don’t make music we even want to play on our proverbial radio of life. Oh, how the soundtracks are so catchy, even the ones we don’t want in our head. Maybe we could push pause. Maybe we could invite silence.

Quiet spaces are a sacred space for an individual and hard to find.There are many distractions and disruptions that can impact that quiet and stillness. If we aren’t being interrupted by external factors there is a whole realm of internal distractions. The word distraction can be defined as anything that prevents someone from giving full attention to something else. It could also be a diversion or recreation. I also think distractions can be defined as annoying, or agitating to the mind and emotions. People often find a retreat away from all of the noise. They find their own quiet space that might be better defined as peaceful to their soul. I think every person looks for a place to go for reprieve from the noise, or an escape from the busy of the day, or perhaps in an effort to avoid the chaos or pain of life.

To be honest, relatable, and vulnerable with you, my own retreats have been found in many spaces! Some being healthy and some, unhealthy. Sometimes it’s great music, nature, a warm cup of coffee, or an interesting book in my hands. Other times its been social media, toxic relationships, and a glass of wine or my favorite liquor on the rocks while out on a date with my fella. These haven’t all been life giving or great choices and I’ve had a reckoning with that and my tendency to spiral toward the wrong flame. I am awake now to healthy changes needed. I’m incorporating those baby steps in my life for my emotional toddler and hormonal teenager as I have grown into my womanhood.  

One of my recent favorite spaces, if I’m not on a horse, or on the back patio, has been sitting on my small love seat under the warmth of my electric blanket feeling the heat radiating into my bones. I’m attempting to tune into the silence of the morning moments and embrace these still of the day. Distraction is often knocking at my door by way of devices, people, and pets. Occasionally, my dog Lucy will patter up to me with her nails clicking on the hard floors. She will sit with her face turned up to me waiting, begging for me to notice her and her desire to be up on the couch with me for indulgent strokes from my hands. Let’s talk about the cat too, his name is, Butters. He will invite himself up to my cozy place on the couch and lovingly knead the blanket with his front feet, purring like a motorboat and blinking his eyes slowly. Even in this special, quiet space there are distractions. Albeit beautiful ones arrive in the shape of my own children clomping down the stairs in the morning with their feet pattering to my bedroom as quickly as they can carry them. The sweet and tender moments shared here are precious to me. I do desire to be interruptible while also being clear on my focus. I’m often told to enjoy every moment with my children which I find to be a bit grandiose of a statement, but my momma heart gets the intent. Time is ticking, and you can’t get it back. Think, feel, and be are part of my process in embracing silence and solitude.

I think of the life of Jesus, he was he here around 33ish years. He chose to retreat to quiet places for solitude and time with his heavenly Father. He left the crowd, the fray, the noise, and his disciples to be alone. Not without purpose, not to escape. No, he prayed, he felt his pain, he studied the word and felt his humanity. The toil of life here on earth is not lost on Jesus. But, HE knew who held tomorrow and who held his hand while he was here among us. He didn’t go to others searching for affection, affirmation, and purpose. He went to the Father and eventually laid down his own life for our benefit. Thank goodness death doesn’t get the final say. He rose. He gave us a spirit of truth to guide us into an eternity with him. The Holy Spirit can meet us in the quiet retreats of the day. This is such a comfort to my heart. Heaven on earth is something we can experience and glimpse in our now. What a beautiful gift. 

As you inventory your own present time, you could likely identify a starting point for your own renewal. In The Psalms of the Bible there are many musical or liturgical pauses, encouraging reflection. The word often used at the end of a stanza is Selah, it is of Hebrew origin. This means to pause, to think about it, to listen, to reflect and praise. What’s one small change you can make today in the quiet of your heart and mind? Maybe, you can stop letting intrusive thoughts guide you forward, or stop running from the creator of the universe. Moving instead like the moth guided by the light of the moon and stars flying a straight path rather than a spiral. Moving toward him and his beautiful wonderful light ready to guide you in the silence and solitude of the dark night. He will meet you there. 1 Peter 2:9 says, “He called us out of the darkness of a meaningless life, and an eternity apart from Him, and into His wonderful, marvelous light.”

—Be Treasured

Borrowed Heartbeats

Borrowed Heartbeats by Tiffany Ward

Thump, thump, thump!

My heart beats with excitement as you came into view

When you came into my life I really needed you

What I hadn’t anticipated is that you needed me too

You were angry and stubborn, but so was I

God had a purpose for this connection inside

Our heartbeats in rhythm, yours with mine

Thump, thump, thump

With each firm stroke of my hand, against your red hair flecked with white

We taught each other love, we relinquished our fight

As I brush your coat it shimmered in the light

Trust established and strong between us

I talked and shared, I had lots to discuss

You listened intently and whicker so softly

Our language unique to us in its own way

We became close friends with each passing day

We traversed a new trail, reins grasped gently in my hands

Sounds so quiet on the morning ride

The smells pleasant and damp, blew by our side

Life was looking so hopeful and bright

Thump, thump, thump!

We ride at night

Under the stars and the moon’s light

We aren’t scared

We are perfectly paired

The sky so blue, the sun so bright

We saddle up, we go for another ride

A brisk wind comes now, playfully tussling your mane and tail with gentle curly waves

My gorgeous red sorrel boy horse with a blaze down his face

Our heartbeats together in a jaunty pace

As time went on, I grew and grew

Your breath on my palm, warm and true

My spur in your sides as we moved

Balancing life and time with you

We glimpse the boy I like, he’s grown into a man

With a click of my tongue and a squeeze of my legs you ran and ran

The two white socks on your back legs flash in the grass

We can see the barbed wire fence line and the old gate at last

Astride his own black horse, now abreast with mine

We walked the path together and intersected our lines

You stayed so still and calm, when he got off his black horse and stood by your side

Vowing his love for me, he asked me to be his bride

I squeal with delight, any other horse would want to take flight

You stood so still as I jumped down with glee

Even though he didn’t drop to one knee

Your nod of approval as I declared yes

Helped me know the marriage you did bless

While for a time, I went away

I left you at Mom’s to stay

You patiently waited for me

Knowing that together again, we would one day be

Growing and learning

Yet, so far away led us both to yearning

My own children did come, but not without loss

I traveled to see you, and you saw my eyes gloss

Your own hair and skin salty with my tears

Yet you nuzzled me close and drew me back near

Our hearts entwined

With the cadence of your breath

Thump, thump, thump

We have a new home

You are with me again

You teach my little ones to ride

This elicits our joy and pride

You have faced injuries of many kinds

I remember you broke your neck one time

You even tried to remove your hoof in your prime

Your will to live has been strong all along

Your heart knew where you belonged

The time is passing ever so fast

Your long years here have created a rich past

With each passing year

The ending draws near

Hot tears spill over now as I look into your eyes

I know it is time, I know you will die

I will have to live on

Without you by my side

Thump… thump… thump…..

Your heart stopped

I sob, I cry

You’re still, and now, so am I

With every heart beat gone

I feel numb inside

Our hearts no longer beating in rhythm, or with time

These borrowed heartbeats, were they yours or mine?

My heart beats on

Although, yours is gone

I love you sweet Treasure

The gift that you were

I will always remember you

Just as you were

Treasured

Do you feel it? The beauty inside you? The potential?
The beat of your heart is reminding you that each moment is precious.
There is a gift in daily life. It’s life giving.

Sometimes, you can feel it with a gentle touch, or smell it in the air, hear it in the tone of voice of a loved one calling your name. It’s in the taste of our favorite yummy food we eat, or in our line of sight when we see the good around us.

What happens when I feel out of touch with the life giving part of myself?
I run, I hurry, I distract, I complain, I over-indulge, and I cope with those behaviors I swear I will never do again. I hurt, or worse, I hurt others with my words or my actions. Ouch.

I love being in touch with optimism, hopefulness, and gratitude.
But sometimes, I just don’t have access.
On those days, I have to sit in the feels and stop trying to figure things out.

Meet Treasure.

He is a sweet, redheaded, loving yet stubborn horse and the best friend to me. Thank God, I have had the honor of knowing Treasure for almost his whole life. He has been an inspiration to me and part of what drove me to become an entrepreneur of my own dreams. Pursuing a career where I can help others experience, feel, and care for themselves well.

When I was little, I told him all the dirty little secrets I wouldn’t tell anyone else while he munched away on his daily feed. Guess, what?! He was there for it! When I got older, I got married, and had a family of my own. His physical presence was still calming to my soul. His ears flickering back and forth, his warm breath on my face, his heart beat under my fingertips as I brushed every red and white fleck of hair. Noticing all the life giving signs through time spent with him.

I ask again, do you feel it?
When the beat of your own heart doesn’t get through to you that life is worth living, let the beat of another be the voice of reason.

Be Treasured.